What the F* aith

Hello, and welcome back to StrodeDad. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and feel free to subscribe or share if you enjoy it. A heads up, if this post seems a little disjointed, it's because I needed to write this over several days. This week has been rough, and I'm feeling pretty somber right now. I'd rather that not be the tone of the whole post hence separating the writing. Before we dive in, let's say a prayer.

Dear Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for gifting me with another day of life. Your blessings are many, and I cannot thank you enough for them. Lord, I ask as I write this post that you guide me and provide me wisdom to know what to put down in words. I ask that you open me up and lay bare my thoughts and feelings. I ask that you open my readers so they may feel your presence in my writing Lord. Thank you again, Lord, for all your blessings. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Have you ever, at the end of a day, week, or month just been like, man, what the f?

Now it's not what you think, and it is. It is because sometimes in life, we just have to say what the f. When so much negativity hits you all at once, what else can you say sometimes? This month has been so rough. Everything seemed smooth sailing, and then out of nowhere, here comes the white squall.

For those that don't know, a white squall is like an epically bad wind storm with no real warning like normal storms might show. The kind of stuff you only read about. It's also a great movie; look it up and watch it; you'll probably love it.

So at this point, you are probably thinking, "man, what could be so bad? Everything was going so well; what happened?" Well, let me tell you.

So leading up to March 10th, we have been trying to prepare ourselves for Adeline's first post-treatment scans. Our first three-month rotation was coming to an end. Now she would get an ultrasound and a CT, and we would find out if she was still in remission. Now I want you to understand we trust God. We know that God has a plan. We know that God is watching over our daughter and loves her as much as we do, probably more. But it's still scary.

I heard Erika on the phone the other day telling someone that she was feeling good and that she had found God's peace in the situation, so she wasn't scared at that moment. Guiltily my first thought was, is she lying? Is she just saying that for their benefit?

Did it matter if she was? No. It didn't. But I felt guilty for thinking about it but even more guilty because I was nervous. Not that I thought in a million years it would come back anything other than clear, but in my heart, I was scared. I was nervous. I was afraid of what the scans might show. I felt guilty for being scared because, as a Christian, as someone who is devout, I shouldn't have been. I know in my heart that God has our daughter in His hands and that no matter the outcome, it will be used for good. Because as Joseph said in the Old Testament, "what you intended for evil, God intended for good."

God intends whatever evil is in our life for good. By that, I mean he will use the terrible things in my life for good. He didn't cause the evil, and he didn't cause the trauma, but uses that and turns it into something good. This blog is an excellent example of that. But in the end, I was scared.

So the week before the 10th, Adeline ended up starting to get some sort of stomach virus. It had her down and out all week. She actually stopped eating because she was scared to eat. She was scared of what it would result in. So all week long, we have been struggling with that leading up to Friday, which was her scans day.

So the week leading up to the scan was rough for that reason. We hate seeing our kids sick. I mean, who doesn't? I think for us, though; there is a residual hatred of seeing her sick from when she was getting her chemotherapy. Seeing her sick makes any day or week rough because it reminds us of that time.

Now you are probably like, "Ok, I get it; that can be rough. But is that a white squall of a month? Are you sure?"

Well, there's more. So the weekend prior to the 10th, Erika sent me a message over the phone, and I just happened to be driving home and turning into the neighborhood right when I got it. The message read, "Ummm, so what do we do now?" (img).

It read like this because I read it over my watch. So I'm like, hmm, what is she talking about? So, I pull over just after pulling into the neighborhood, open my phone, and check the message. And there staring back at me, are two pink lines. Can you guess what I'm talking about?

Yes, that's right, two pink lines that said in their lineness, "pregnant." My first thought is, "oh crap." I put my phone down without responding and headed home. I get in the house, go straight upstairs into the bathroom where Erika is getting ready, and she says, "what did you do?" Lol

Yes lol. Why? Because it was funny at that moment. I knew what she meant. We didn't plan on having more kids. We love our children but didn't want to have anymore because we want to eventually be empty nesters. My response was this, "Well, God has a plan." And she shook her head in agreement because she was feeling the same way.

God has a plan. I don't know what that plan is; I'm not even worthy to know. But He has a plan.

Now you're saying, "But Brandon, that's good news. Babies are good right?"

Sure, babies are fantastic. I'm happy that God blessed us with this. I'm grateful to Him for this blessing. It definitely wasn't our plan, though. But that's ok because this isn't my story; it's God's.

But here's something you probably didn't think about just now with reading that. Or maybe you did. I think I intentionally didn't think it because who would want to, but Erika thought it. She looked over at me that night in bed, tears in her eyes, fear pushing forth from her soul, "Do you think he blessed us with another child because he needs to take Adeline?"

BOOM!

Let that crushing statement hit you! Let the weight of that question just bear down on you for a moment. There are a lot of things going on with that question. First is fear. She and I are afraid. We are afraid of what it will mean to have another child. Will that child have cancer as well? Does He need to take Adeline, which is why we are having another now when it wasn't our plan? Our fear is taking hold, which is exactly what the Enemy wants.

Another thing that is happening with that question is faith. What the faith! She trusts so much in God that she would say what if He needs to take our child who lives now and has blessed us with another because of it. Not that He is trading lives, but just that He sees our faith, He sees our love for Him, and is blessing us with another child.

My first response was, "of course not." God is blessing us with another child because He sees our love for Him, and it's within His plan.

So now that you have a little insight into the fear that having another child is producing in us as parents and as a couple, let me drop a little honesty bomb on you.

I'm not a great parent. I don't get down and play with my kids as often as I should. I probably use screen time more than I should. My patience level is almost non-existent. I love my kids with all my heart, but I enjoy quiet moments too. I personally don't think that I'm a great parent. I know most people probably say that, but it's honestly how I feel.

I'm selfish and ignorant sometimes with my words. I worry constantly that I am being too hard on my kids. I don't know that I tell them enough how much I love them or how proud of them I really am. I try, but I also know I'm not great at it.

I ask God every single day to help me be a better father and a better husband. I don't know that he has answered that prayer yet, which is ok; I'm patient, and I know He will help me in His time. But does he really want me to be a father again? Is He sure?

Are you sure, God?

So you've read all that, and you are thinking, "Ok, I could see how you might be scared about being a parent again. I could see why Adeline being sick might scare you as well and make your week leading up to her scans rough. But again, is this really 'white squall' bad?"

Let me proceed.

So Friday the 10th comes. Scans day. She gets an ultrasound, CT Scan, and bloodwork. We wait for the doctor to come in and do his exam on Adeline. When he finally comes in, he gives us the news. Ultrasound came back clear of anything! YAY! That's a great way to start this conversation.

Next, he told us about the CT. So the only reason we even had a CT in the first place was that they had found a nodule in December that was 3mm big. So the results this time was that the nodule was still there and was now 6mm big, less than a cm large. But what this meant was she needed surgery to have it biopsied.

What the F!

So what happens next? Next is surgery that will collapse her right lung and take a small piece of her lung that contains the nodule. Imagine trying to hear all of this and think of what this meant at the same time. Blinking through the pain and tears that were bubbling just on the edge of our eyes, we shook our heads. Could you imagine a more awkward conversation? He gave us the terrible news, and then there was just this strange, awkward silence. He waited for questions, and we waited for something to end the silence.

So to end the extremely awkward silence, I asked some random question pertaining to the situation and then said, alright, that sounds good.

That sounds good. Who says that in that scenario? I did because the awkward waiting and silence were too much to bear.

So we went home, tears filling our eyes, anger filling our hearts.

You don't have to ask why we were angry. You could probably figure that out for yourself. We were angry because all we had prayed for was for the scans to be clean so that our daughter could keep living her life. She finally gets to do what normal kids get to do; she gets to run around, do karate, plays outside, and go to school. That's all we want for her.

In our grief over the findings, Erika reaches out to her best friend, Katie, to give her the news. Katie, our friend, our co-leader in One Ribbon United, and our family. Katie is a woman with a fire for God and a woman who is as fierce as any tiger. She sprang into action. Erika and I were at home praying silently, trying to figure out dinner and explaining everything to Chris and Nevaeh. Katie immediately told us to come to the church later that night because she was having a few people meet us there to pray over Adeline and over us.

What the faith!

We met Katie there, and somehow she had gathered at least 8 people to be there with us to pray. Man, what a night this was. We all gathered around Adeline on stage and just fell into prayer. We had good friends who just wanted to pray to God for Adeline, her well-being, and the well-being of our family. To try and explain the feeling of the night would be next to impossible. What I can say is that God filled that room and all our hearts with His presence.

After a very tear-filled evening of prayer, we spent the weekend preparing for Adeline to have surgery. Our faith was strong. We were scared, but we were faithful.

So Tuesday was surgery day. They warned us of the possible issues that they may have to open her up more than just laparoscopically if they couldn't find it. Our stay was scheduled at a minimum to be two days after surgery. The surgery itself was supposed to be roughly 2-4 hours.

So on Tuesday, we went to surgery. Adeline was her normal self; she understood that she needed to do this so that a small germ could be taken out. We were more scared than her, I think. They took her back, and that started our waiting game. We prayed some more. Got some lunch and then just waited.

The surgery actually ended sooner than we thought. Just about an hour and twenty minutes. The surgeon came in and showed us the pictures. Everything went better than expected, and they were able to remove the entire nodule. They would receive pathology of the nodule back in about 5-7 business days.

Yay! Good News!

So we get up to the 10th floor at Children's Hospital recovery. Adeline is in good spirits. Not much happened during our time there in recovery. She spent roughly 36 hours in recovery. We ended up leaving the hospital around 8:30 pm Wednesday evening. You want miracles; I see miracles. Her surgery was shorter than it should have been, and they pulled out something that was less than a centimeter big. Her recovery time should have been at least two days, and it was just over 24 hours. You can't say that God wasn't working. Or, at the very least, you won't tell me that and convince me.

So we went home. By the time we got home, it was late, so we spent about an hour just being home together as a family. All the next day, we just spent relaxing and spending time together. Adeline was recovering so nicely, and we were able to just enjoy the day.

That's what it's all about, right? The small moments. The small points in our life where we can just take a breath and be ok. And that's what we were in that moment; we were ok. We were a family who loved each other more than words could say.

So we are nearly caught up to the present day. Friday started out just like any other. We got groceries ordered and started cleaning the house. Back to adulthood, back to making life work for us. So as we are cleaning, I get a phone call from the hospital. It was the surgeon checking in to see how Adeline was doing. I told him about how her recovery was going. She was already off Tylenol and never needed anything stronger.

The surgeon was really pleased with her recovery. Once again one of the best recoveries from surgery they had ever seen. Then the bomb drops.

"I've received the pathology back."

WHAT?!

What happened to 5-7 days? I know it's probably better to get the news faster, but we could have at least had a few normal days.

"The pathology shows the presence of WILMs tumor. The histology is good. I've notified the oncologist (names were used but omitted for their privacy)."

There may have been more words than that, but that was the gist of it all. It's a lot to take in over the phone. It's worse than that, really, because once again, I have to be the one to tell Erika. Not that I wanted her to take that call, because I didn't. I just hated having to be the one to tell her that our prayers weren't answered this time. That technically isn't the case. God answered our prayers, the surgery went better than we could have hoped for, and so has her recovery. We had hoped for benign and prayed for it as hard as we could. But it still came back cancerous.

I gave her the news and immediately took her in for a hug. In these moments, I really am a fool. Sometimes, no, probably most of the time, I don't say the right thing. I mean, the last time I told her that Adeline had a tumor, I said it's not like she is dying. Yup, I can be an idiot. This time I said probably the one thing she didn't want to hear at that moment which is, "God is good, my love. He has a plan and will use all bad for good."

She didn't want to hear that at that moment. What she needed to hear was everything would be ok. Everything will be ok, and we will get through this together. But I didn't have the words; I had to say God is good because if I didn't, I'd maybe start to doubt it myself. I was angry. I was sad. I wanted to put my fist through the wall. I wanted to yell at God and ask him why. But at the moment, all I could say was God is good.

I hated being the one to have to tell her again. I hated being the one to have to give her the bad news and not having the right words to say. I hated everything about this. I hate everything about this. I just want it to be over and for Adeline to be healthy.

Where do we go from here?

Where we go from here is forward. We keep praying, we keep worshipping, and we keep trusting in God. How do I move forward from here? I keep praying; I keep telling God that I'm angry. I keep telling Him how sad I am on the inside. I keep telling Him how much I love and appreciate what he does for me, what he does for this family. I keep reaching out to friends who have offered to be there when I need them. I keep confiding in Erika when I'm worried or nervous. I just keep trusting in the Lord.

For now, I have a sense of peace. God's there, holding on to her, holding on to our lives. My mom said this week that she doesn't like this path that God has her granddaughter on or where it leads. I told her; unfortunately, God is the only one who gets to see that. Sometimes we have to walk in through the desert to find our oasis.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.'" (Matthew 16:24, NIV)

So that is what I'll do, take up this cross and follow Christ.

Thank you for joining me and reading this post. I hope you have a wonderful day, and God bless.

Until next time...