Thank you God!

It’s been a while since I’ve written.  After Adeline entered remission I couldn’t find the right motivation and topic to write about so I just stopped.  There has a been a couple of moments where I thought I felt the urge to write but just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I didn’t feel like the words would come or that I’d even know what to write.  Today I found myself with not only the urge but the words there on my mind ready to write and a topic that just felt right to discuss.  So if you’ll take a moment and just read what I have to say I’m happy to share and point all of it to the glory of God.

Today was Adeline’s next post treatment scans.  She had an ultrasound and an x-ray done along with her normal labs.  And to start this off with the best news, all her scans came back clear once again.  Adeline is still in remission, cancer free.  It brings a tear to my eyes just thinking about it.  As I type this I’m watching her play with her brother, running around the room with all the energy in the world.  As I watch them I am filled with so much gratitude to God for the gift he has given us.  God placed all the people in our lives that needed to be there when they needed to be there.  All her doctors and nurses that still take care of her to this day were there and are there when we need them the most.  And I thank them.  Each and every one of them.  I thank them all for their tireless dedication to their careers and their dedication to our daughter’s well-being.  Thank you so much.  If any of you get to read this, I want you to know that we are so grateful for you and all the hard work you do. 

But thank you to God.  Thank you, God, for placing those people in our lives.  And not just them but all of the people that He has placed in our lives at times where we needed them the most and for getting to keep them in our lives as we transitioned from heartache and a point of suffering in our lives to being on the mountain in a place where we no longer questioned how we would make it through the heartache we were feeling.  We thank you God for delivering us from heartache.  Thank you, God.

Today was hard for me and I didn’t realize at first that it was going to be.  I know that with God I have no reason to fear. 

Scripture Isaiah 41:10, Deuteronomy 31:6, and John 14:27

So many examples of God telling us not to be afraid.  We have nothing to fear.  And yet every time these scans come my heart fears for the worst.  My heart fears that I will have to hear the doctor tell me again that she has cancer.  My heart fears that I will have to see the look on her face, or Erika’s face, or Chris and Nevaeh’s faces as I have to tell them the same as the doctor told me.  It’s a fear that I feel every single time we have scans.  Even though I know and believe in my heart that she is healthy, and that God has healed her it still scares me.  It still makes me fearful.

And compounding that fear is my subconscious negative emotions about hospitals in general.  I don’t talk about it much because I don’t really like to, but hospitals mess me up.  Today I think it hit me harder than it has in the past but my experience in hospitals has sucked.  My deployment to Iraq and the hospital we were deployed to gave me enough to deal with without me even realizing it.  The mass casualties and angel flights impacted me more than I care to admit.  I still see the faces of the soldiers whose brothers and sisters in arms were injured or died next to them. 

But then fast-forward to 2022 when I’m standing in front of two surgeons in scrubs and one is asking if they had told me about the tumor our daughter had.  I suppose I didn’t realize how much it affects me still to this day.  I remember the lump in my throat as he told me.  I remember my heart racing as I realized I had to tell my wife and I had no idea how to break her heart that way.  I remember questioning myself, would I be able to handle all of this?  Would I be able to be the rock for my daughter, the rock that she needed and deserved? I remember the tears coming when no one else could see.

I didn’t realize how deeply it scarred me.  I didn’t realize how deeply these events could and did affect me.  I didn’t realize how the combination of my past time in Iraq and this event really impacted my feelings and experiences in the hospital.  It’s so frustrating because I know, I KNOW that God has this.  I know that He has me and Adeline and our entire family in his arms and heart.  HE HAS THIS.  So why do I get scared? Why do I fear?  Why do I get scared that this terrible thing will come back when I know that no matter what the outcome God has this? 

Erika mentioned to me that she has been giving this to the Lord.  She’s been laying it down at His feet. 

Scripture Psalm 55:22 and Matthew 28-30

Examples of God telling us to bring it to Him.  Take it to Him so that we may share in the burden.  We don’t have to struggle alone.

I’m so proud of her for doing that.  I’m so grateful to God that she is reaching out to Him and placing these feelings and worries at His feet.  I try my best to do the same, but I still feel the fear.  I still get the anxiety, and I hate myself for it.  It’s so hard to feel that way because I know what I know and believe about God and how He is in control and yet there it is.  The fear ever present and frustrating.  

When I say that I wish you could understand I truly mean it.  I wish those of you who have never been through this could understand the fear.  I don’t want you to experience it but I do want you to understand it.  I want you to understand so that the next time they ask for votes on childhood cancer research you’ll take the time to vote.  The next time a family in need reaches out you'll take your hand and reach back.  I want you to understand so that you also see the deepness of God’s love, strength, and mercy. 

So what’s the point of all of this.  What’s the point I’m trying to make with all this.  I wasn’t sure exactly when I started writing this but now, I’m starting to see.  The point is that I don’t know that I won’t ever not worry for my daughter’s health.  I know she is healed, and I know she is doing so so so great.  But I worry when it’s scan day.  I worry while we wait for the results.  I worry right up until the doctor says everything looks great. 

The point is that no matter how much we fear we can take it to God.  The point is that even though we may take it all to God we will still feel the fear.  We will still feel the anxiety of our situations.  In our case it’s our child who gets screened for cancer relapse. 

But the biggest and best point is that God is there.

God is there and listening.  He shares in our pain.  He shares in our heartache.  He provides us with love, safety, and mercy.  He Provides!  Trust in Him.  Trust in our Lord that no matter our fears, no matter our anger, no matter our situation He loves us.  And today I am grateful for that.  Today I am grateful that God walks with us, protects us, and guides us.  I am grateful for His blessings.  I am grateful that I never have to walk alone in my fear, anxiety, or troubles.  I am grateful that I never have to walk alone in my joy, blessings, and ever-present happiness. 

So, thank you God.  Thank you for guiding me.  Thank you for blessing me.  Thank you for the valleys and the mountains in my life.  Thank you for never giving up on me.  Thank you for always taking care of me even when I refused to see it.  Thank you for walking with me in my marriage and showing me how to be a better husband and father. 

Just thank you God.

And to those of you going through your own things.  To those of you reading this who know what Erika and I go through each time we have a scan.  To those of you reading who just need to see or hear this.  Trust in God.  Trust that He is there for you.  Trust that even in the bad He is there.  Trust that He will always use bad things for good if you let Him.  And most of all, trust that you are not and never will be alone.  He is always there.  He is always with you in your moments of happiness, fear, anger, or joy.  He is always there and loves you in a way that no one else can.  God loves you and will never forsake you.

Dear heavenly father. Thank you. Thank you for who you are and how much you love me. Thank you for another day on this planet. Thank you for another opportunity to recognize your amazing glory, love, mercy, and understanding. I pray for those going through tough experiences right now. I pray that their heart will be open to sharing with you their fears and be open to recognizing that those fears may not go away but that no matter the outcome you are God and You are in control! Thank you Lord for all that you are and all that you provide. In your holy name, Amen!