Is It Ever Really Over?

Hello, and welcome back to StrodeDad. Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read what I've got to write. I will say a quick prayer, and then we will start.

Dear Lord in Heaven, thank you for every day. Thank you for allowing me to wake up every day breathing with a new chance to put you first. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to write, and I ask that as I write, you guide my content in the direction befitting your will. I also ask that you open my readers to what they read in this entry and find some meaning. Thank you, Lord. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Let's get started. So last week was pretty amazing; Adeline got to ring the bell! I posted a video of that on my Facebook page if you want a bit of good cheer in your life. So, following that incredible moment, what's to come next? Well, first off, we ended up in the Children's Hospital Emergency Department the next day. Adeline started running a fever and vomiting pretty severely early in the morning. We took her to the emergency room, and they had to access her port and run many tests. They finally ended up pumping her with antibiotics which is the norm for fevers with port access. We got to go home, and we just rested for the next two days.

But this whole incident leads me to start thinking about something. Honestly, I think I have been trying to avoid the thoughts for a while, maybe too scared to stop and think about it. She rang the bell; she was supposed to be done. We have read other stories of relapses, and we know it's possible, but neither Erika nor I even want to consider that it could happen to her. But it isn't just the possibility of relapse; it's everything. Is this ever really over?

When we had to take her back to the ED the following morning after ringing the bell, it took a toll. Not only are we exhausted from being up all night giving her medicines or checking her temperature every hour to two hours, but then we are in fear of what's happening. The fear of her getting a temperature, her being sick, and the fear of something underlying causing the fever that we don't know about is so real and frightening. The fear, the sleepless nights, and the constant worry all take a significant toll on our psyche.

The scripture says,

fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

(Isaiah 41:10, ESV)

This gives me strength. But truthfully, even though the Lord gives me strength to make it through these things the toll is still the same. I know that Erika and I are both mentally and physically exhausted. The constant fear of something happening to Adeline, like her getting sick, her falling as she tries to sneakily run around the house after being told a thousand times not to, her dropping her tablet on her port, or getting knocked down by the dogs as she is playing, all these and a thousand more things constantly running through our heads. It takes a toll that is hard to explain to others who haven't shared the same fears.

We can make it through this fear because Jesus takes this fear in his hands and holds it for us. It doesn't make it go away, and it doesn't make it any less frustrating. It reassures us that even though we fear, we know that He is there to hold some of that fear for us in His infinite strength and love.

But is it ever really over? I keep asking myself that internally. Next Friday, the 16th (lol almost read like Friday the 13th), we go back for a half day for scans and tests. They tell us they are creating a new baseline for her future scans. That is just a secondary mission for those scans; the primary is checking to see if anything is different from the last ones. Boom, another fear, will they come back ok? We believe in our hearts that they will and the doctors tell us they don't anticipate anything changing. But I know that in the back of both our minds, that crawlspace for fear, Erika and I both have that fear.

Prayer helps; oh boy, does it help. We pray all the time. We ask others to pray for us. And they do. They always pray for us, and we couldn't be more grateful. One of the books I read about prayer talks about the power of prayer. One prayer is heard, but when tens of hundreds of thousands of people pray for the same thing, there is more power in that. God is always listening, but imagine if you heard one trumpet player versus one thousand trumpet players playing simultaneously. You'll hear one more than the other. That's one of the goals of One Ribbon Foundation. Someday we want to serve people worldwide, a lofty goal I know. But a part of that is that we would love to build a prayer team larger than any other. We want to show people the difference that prayer can make because it does make a difference.

But is it ever really over? She gets her following scans, and then what? Then on the 22nd of December, she gets her port access removed. Praise the Lord! We won't have to stress about her falling, her running, her dropping a tablet on it, her getting an infection, and it spreading instantly to her heart. Its a wonderful thing to not have to worry about that anymore. It's the Christmas gift we never expected to get. We thought it would be sometime after Christmas, but now, she gets to rest for a couple of days and then open her gifts and run around without a care in the world.

She tells us, "I get to be a normal kid." To tell you the truth, she is most excited about getting to go to the children's room at church during service. She finally gets to go play with other kids without the fear of getting sick and ending up in the ED. She gets to go learn about God and Jesus and the Bible in a way that's easier for her to understand while getting to be around other kids and having fun. Her saying, "I get to be a normal kid", is heartwarming and heart-wrenching all at the same time.

But is it ever really over? Following all of this, she will get rotating scans every three months for two years. Rotating scans because she will go from getting x-ray and ultrasounds to getting CT scans with dye. This next one is the CT. This means in March she will get the x-ray and ultrasound. She does this for two years and then I think it's anually after that. We are grateful of course, we would much rather be proactive than reactive. But you jump to the conclusion that once they ring this bell they are done with it all. In your head you know that isn't true because there is so much after treatment, such as scans. But when you think, "she gets to ring the bell", you think that she is done. And sure she is done, I don't want to downplay how awesome it was to see her ring the bell or what it means. She is done getting chemo. But the fact is we still have more to go.

God performed miracles for us. He guided us in all aspects of what we went through. He walks with us as we take each step forward. All of this is because God is great. So why do I think to myself, "But is it ever really over?"

I think we are struggling to find peace in all of it. We are very excited that she is getting her port access removed and I know we will relax a bit once she does. But finding peace in all of it even after it's over I think is something we will struggle with.

Now don't take that as we aren't grateful, heck maybe Erika doesn't feel the same. I can't fully speak for her because she is her own person with her own thoughts and feelings. To be completely honest I'm ashamed to admit that I don't think finding peace will come easy after this is over. So much has changed since all of this started, mostly for the better. Finding our Church and renewing my love for God has been so AMAZING! Watching Erika and the kids find their love for God has been truly AMAZING! God is so great! So why do I keep asking myself, "is it ever really over?"

Another thing that Adeline is looking forward to is going back to karate. But one of the first things they tell you after a kidney is removed is no contact sports. Why? Because if for some reason you were to receive contact to your remaining kidney in a damaging way you don't have another one to fall back on. So already even though she goes back to karate she can't do it like the others can. She can never actually spar with the other kids or participate in the sparring tournaments. Thankfully she will still get to learn the forms and participate in the forms tournaments.

She wants to play soccer next year. Do we let her? Do we find one of those fancy kidney guards and say get on out there and play or do we say we need to find a different sport for her to be interested in. Maybe bowling or golf. See what I'm talking about. It's never really over, the fear is still there. Will she be ok getting out on that soccer pitch and playing with the other kids? What if she falls, what if she gets hit in the kidney with a ball?

Maybe these are all just fears that we don't need to have. I'm not sure to be honest. Part of me wants to get her into any activity that she wan'ts to be in because she seems so excited about the prospect of doing any of them. How do we move forward? I'm ashamed to admit these fears. I'm ashamed to say that I worry that it's never really over. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm angry about it or that I struggle with it on the inside.

I'm ashamed that I've never really thought to ask how angry this all makes Erika feel. I've of course asked her how she is doing or told her that I am here if and when she needs to talk. She knows that I am always her rock, her shoulder to cry on. I'm sure there are moments when she is just as angry about all of it as I am. Will this feeling ever go away?

Scripture says,

Be not quick in your spirit to become angry,

for anger lodges in the bosom of fools.

(Ecclesiastes 7:9, ESV)

Lately I feel like a fool. Lately I feel like I am so quick to anger and I dont even know why. When I pray in the last week I feel like I am thanking God so much but I also feel like I am asking him for so much. I've been asking every day for guidance and help to be better. I know that I can only change through Him so I ask for His help. I ask for His help dealing with the fear, I ask for His help dealing with the anger, I ask for His help to be a better dad and I ask for His help to be a better husband. Lately I feel like it's a never ending list of me asking for God's help to do and be better than I am.

19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;20for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

(James 1:19-20, ESV)

Slow to speak, slow to anger, neither of these things come easy to me. Probably not for most people but lately for me I am struggling with these things. How do I improve this? Through God of course. But how do I move past, "is it ever really over?" The thing is, I don't know that I ever will. Maybe when she is a full grown adult living her own life. But that also brings it's own fears. When she is an adult and still getting her scans Erika and I will be there to go to the appointments with her, doesn't matter her age.

They say there are survivorship groups. I'm assuming that maybe they address these thoughts and emotions and teach you how to cope. Oddly enough I'm not super great at sharing in a group setting like that. Writing this blog is one thing, people will comment, but I'm not facing those people. I'm not sitting right in front of them as their eyes judge me, my feelings, or my actions. Maybe that is cowardly but it's the truth. Behind the keys I can admit what I would probably never admit in voice. I admit here what I can't say in person. I admit in prayer to God what I don't want to admit in reality.

I suppose that's how I move past, "is it ever really over?" If I continue to communicate with God and lean on Erika who is my rock, after Jesus, then I know I can make it past that point. How long will it take? Who knows? Will I ever move past it or will I just learn to live with it?

All that brings me to an understanding of what this blog will transition to moving forward. The primary focus so far has been Adeline and her treatment journey and how God works in it all. Now that her treatment is ending where do I go from here? From here I talk about the aftermath. I talk about living with the emotions following her treatment. From here I still talk about how God works in my life and in all our lives. It's a new step in our journey, a new chapter of our life, and one that I hope I can share with all of you, my readers.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this week's entry and until next time...