Unworthy

Have you ever felt unworthy of your life and the blessings you have in it? Your wife, your kids, your home, your career, and God. Do you ever question yourself and say God I don't deserve any of this?

I think we have all been there before; the feeling of unworthiness clouding our every thought.

The feeling of unworthiness can cloud your every thought.

And when we feel that unworthy often times we are in our heads about feeling alone or unloved. Because when you feel unworthy of love then you feel as if no one can love you. This is a slippery slope into destroying your own life.

What do I mean by that? What do I mean by destroying your own life? I don't mean taking it. Although for some that is a thought process that can occur from feeling unworthy. But what I mean is when you feel unworthy you can start to question every facet of your life.

I'm not worthy of this career or job that I have. Then you start to question the work you do or don't do and whether it's good enough. You might start to avoid new work or make mistakes in the work you are already tasked with completing.

I'm not worthy of my wife. Then you start to question every comment, every look, every thing in your marriage becomes questionable. Does she still love me? Am I doing enough to keep her happy? Am I doing enough to make her want to be with me? I don't deserve her, there's no way I'm good enough. How could she love someone as unworthy as me?

I'm not worthy of my kids. You question if you do enough for them. Do I spend enough time with them? Are they avoiding you because you haven't been a good enough father? Why do they avoid asking you for anything like the plague? I'm not worthy of being their dad. I'm not worthy of being a father.

I'm not worthy of God. I'm not worthy of His love. I'm not worthy of his redemption or forgiveness. I'm not worthy so I stop reading my bible. I'm not worthy so I stop going to church. I'm not worthy because, how can I live up the gifts He has given me?

The overwhelming realization that we just aren't worthy.

Being unworthy isn't just a single thought, it is a frame of mind. It's a frame of mind that is toxic and hard to expel.

And what about in times of crisis. For me I didn't feel worthy of being the rock for my family during my daughter's cancer diagnosis and treatment. I felt like I would make every wrong choice.

Heck even how I told Erika was wrong. "Well it's not terrible, it's not like she is dying or anything but...she has a tumor on her left kidney and they called it a Wilms tumor."

Yes that's right folks, for those of you who didn't know, that is how I told my wife that our daughter had cancer. I actually said those exact words over the phone.

Exactly how I felt after saying that. How could I have just used those words?

How could God have chosen me to be their dad or Erika's husband? She needed someone strong to stand up and make decisions and take care of our kids. The kids needed a strong father take care of all of them and reassure them that everything was going to be okay. God must have made a mistake. I wasn't worthy to be there in the hospital taking care of such a precious package.

I wasn't worthy.

Feeling unworthy is exhausting. Feeling unworthy is draining in every way thinkable. It takes it's toll on every aspect of your life. And how simple it is to let it take hold of you. It grasps your brain and soul like a slimy parasite attempting to take over your body. And once you let it grasp hold of you how do you get rid of it? How do you beat this parasite? How do you stop it from consuming you whole?

It starts with kneeling in prayer.

Prayer is the only way out

If you're feeling unworthy you have to take it to God. You have to take it to Him and give it all to Him.

"God I'm feeling unworthy of your love. I don't deserve the blessings you give me: my wife, my children, my home, and my career. I don't deserve these things Lord. And because I don't deserve them I'm questioning myself. Lord because I don't feel as if I deserve them I'm beginning to feel unloved and alone. Lord I know you have your reasons for blessing me the way you have but I still feel unworthy of these blessings. Please Lord help me to overcome these feelings of unworthiness. Please Lord help me to be a better husband and father. Please Lord help me to realize that my wife and kid's do love and need me and that I am worthy of that love. Please Lord help me to work harder at work and not take your blessing of my career for granted. Please Lord help me with all these things and thank you Lord. Thank you for loving me and for forgiving me even when I don't deserve it. In your holy name I pray, amen."

It starts right there. It starts by keeping God in the loop. It starts by remembering that God cares for you. It starts by remembering some other people who may not have been worthy or rather who may have felt unworthy.

Did Matthew feel worthy when he was called? He was a tax collector, a person hated by many because he chose his profession helping the Romans. But when Jesus called him he left immediately. Jesus didn't say, you are unworthy. He simply said, "Follow Me."

Or what about Paul (Saul)? This man was literally persecuting Christians. Wouldn't he be unworthy? Or David, a shepherd who became a king. Did he feel worthy of being called by God to be king? The word of God is riddled with people who felt unworthy of what God called them to do or who God called them to be. The word of God is riddled with people who felt unworthy of the blessings God gave them.

It is normal to feel unworthy. It is normal to feel as if you don't deserve the life you have or the people in it. The trick is remembering that you are good enough. No one is technically worthy of God's love and forgiveness but He gives it to us anyways. He knows we are not perfect and takes us as we are. He meets us where we are in life and accepts us.

And just like God accepts you for who you are, your wife and children do the same. They do love you. Whether you are the perfect husband or father or if you are the guy who makes mistakes, they love you. When you don't feel like that might be the case try speaking up. Say something to your wife. She is your rock just as much as you are hers. When you are feeling unworthy, tell her. She may tell you that you are a fool for thinking that but she will tell you that you are worthy. She will hug you and the world will correct itself.

But most importantly tell God. God has a way of making you feel better even when your circumstances may not change. You may still feel unworthy of the blessings in your life but somehow you start to feel at peace. You start to realize that even though you might not feel worthy of the blessings God has provided they are still there and letting the weight of those thoughts bring you down doesn't change that. Let that weight be lifted by the only one who can: God.

Let yourself realize that you are a good husband or father even when you don't feel like you are. Chances are the reason you feel that way is because you are both those things. Because typically the people who are good fathers, or husbands, or people are the people who are worried that they aren't.

And all this applies to mothers too. While I write about a husband's or father's perspective, because that is what I am, these things apply to moms and wives as well. You are a good wife, you are a good mom. Chances are you've asked yourself a million and one times if you are doing the right thing as a mom or as a wife and I'm here to tell you that you are. Again I say that if you are asking that question there's a darn good chance that you are both of those things. A good mom and a good wife.

So I urge anyone reading this who might be feeling unworthy in any sort of way to take it to God. Take it to Him and let His love wash over you and reassure you. And then communicate to your spouse as an added bonus. Because that hug that you get when they are telling you that you are worthy, that you are loved, that you are everything you feared you weren't. It's so worth it.

So to close, I pray,

"God thank you for all your blessings. Thank you for always being there for me even when I don't feel worthy. Thank you for choosing me to be the father of my children and the husband to my wife. I'm so grateful to have all of them in my life and to be able to provide for them the way I do. And Lord I pray for those that feel unworthy. I pray that they might bring it to you Lord and that you will reassure them. I pray that they will be released from those feelings of unworthiness. I pray that they will be set free from those feelings and find a life of feeling blessed and worthy of not just their lives but your love. Thank you Lord for everything. In Jesus' name, amen."