Strength in God

Welcome back to StrodeDad! We are getting a late start this week but here goes nothing.

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for everything that you provide for me every day. Thank you for the opportunity to write and share my story and thoughts with others. I ask today for your guidance and wisdom as I write the words that follow. In Jesus' name Amen."

Sometimes I have this plan for what I want to write and then it just doesn't feel right when I go to write it. I could write about how Adeline's chemo appointment went. It went great by the way. Her ANC was around 940 so not super high but also not low enough not to continue treatment. Nothing super exciting about this week's visit to the infusion floor the appointment seemed to go as normally as could be expected. But I do want to highlight something.

This week we were just getting settled into our stall and suddenly we heard a little girl start crying. So for those of you who are going through this, you may know what this is like or those that have never experienced it firsthand can imagine what this would be like. Please understand it is hard to write about and as I re-read it still brings me to tears.

Suddenly we hear, "No! Noooo! Please don't do that that, no don't do that." The screams of a little girl getting her bandages removed and her port de-accessed. We have been there, we have heard those same screams, and seen the same tears. As the little girl is screaming and crying suddenly we hear a second set of wailing and tears. Then we hear a mom say, "it's okay girls it's ok, once we are done with this we can go home and see daddy."

Now every time we go to chemo Erika and I both take Adeline. We are lucky to be able to do so. I get the day off work and we are both able to be there for Adeline. We know that most families don't get that option. But hearing a mother struggling to calm both her little girls by herself was just very heartbreaking. It kind of just zaps all the good feelings from you.

I was able to read several different entries from other people who are going through childhood cancer, where their journeys are different and in different stages than ours. Sometimes I get to read and see fantastic news, other times it is quite different. I don't know how else to impress upon you, my readers, how heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, hope-draining, and frustrating childhood cancer is. It is why it is so important to share our stories, it is why it is so important to raise awareness, because some day with enough hope, enough prayers, and enough research eventually we will find a cure or at the very least a treatment that doesn't include weeks of feeling sick or on the edge of exhaustion.

Below I wanted to show you a comparison of Adeline before and after her chemo. This is what it does, it wears her down. It makes her tired. Without the Zofran, she'd be sick. Without doses of Miralax daily, she would be constipated and probably back in the hospital. Without the weekend antibiotics, she could end up sick in the hospital. This is what it does to kids.

Adeline while receiving her treatment.

Adeline exhausted in the car after chemo.

I could talk about her ANC being lower than we would like and how that makes us feel. I can tell you how it makes me feel, anxious, nervous, and an emotional wreck on the inside. My outward appearance wouldn't show that but on the inside I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if we leave the house we risk getting exposed. I'm afraid that if I go anywhere and forget to put on hand sanitizer after I'm done or if I forget to wear a mask I could contract a cold, covid, RSV, or the flu and pass it to Adeline which would land her in the hospital. I know that if it did happen she would be in God's hands but I don't want it to happen.

I try to pray about this, I try my best to lay it at God's feet but man is it so hard. It's hard to let go of the fear, the anxiety, and the nervousness. It breaks my heart a little on the inside because I feel like I am failing at being a good Christian by not trusting in his plan more and instead being worried about it. But then I think of Jesus' apostles. In Matthew 14:22-33 we see Peter who Jesus calls out onto the water. When Peter steps out he walks on water until he sees and feels the wind and gets scared and then starts to sink. Jesus immediately grabs hold of Peter and says to him "you of little faith".

"22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (Matthew 14:22-33, NIV)

If Peter, who was one of Jesus' direct apostles, can be afraid then is it plausible that I could be too? Jesus also rebuked him saying, "you of little faith, why did you doubt?" Would he rebuke me for my fears? Would he ask me why do I doubt? Or does Jesus know that even though we have faith we still may fear? We still may feel fear the liar but so long as we have faith and love for Jesus then we are redeemed.

So I fear, I feel anxiety, I feel nervous, and I feel anger. The other day when I was praying I communicated that to Him. I said, "Lord I have to be honest I'm feeling very scared right now. I'm so worried about Adeline. I'm scared that somehow I will bring sickness home to the house and she will get it. Lord, I ask you to take this from me. Let me lay this at your feet, my lord." It eases my fear, it helps me feel a little less angry about our situation. But sometimes it doesn't make me feel less unfaithful to God. In my head, I know that no one is capable of never feeling those emotions no matter how faithful they are to God. This doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm failing Him.

What else could I talk about? I mentioned before about being unsure about changing my major from networking to biblical studies. I'm still not sure about that. I'm so torn because I know that getting my networking degree will assist me in my career. But I also feel this pull from God to learn as much as I can. I think to myself, is minoring in biblical studies enough? Am I following what God wants from me by only minoring? I feel so unsure of it all. I pray for guidance and wisdom in this matter but the decision still seems to evade me.

I think that the scariest feeling of all is the feeling of inadequacy. I'm an inadequate husband, father, Christian, engineer, and man. It's hard to admit when we feel inadequate. Not just for men, but for women too. As parents, I'm sure we have all been there. Are we making the right choices for our kids? Are being good parents? As humans we feel these things, am I good enough? Am I good enough as an engineer to deserve the role I'm in? Am I good enough? As a husband, do I give my wife the love and life she deserves? As a Christain, am I good enough for God? Do I do enough to show God that I love him? Of course, these are all just fears of inadequacy. God loves me for who I am, my wife loves me and while I'm not perfect she has a husband who loves her unconditionally and will do anything to make her happy, as a father I make mistakes but my kids will always know that I love them with all of my heart and will always be there for them, as an engineer I got to where I am because of my hard work and determination to get better.

"11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:11-13, ESV)

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me." What a powerful and uplifting statement. Through him I find strength. Strength to overcome my inadequacies and strength to overcome my fears. God is great.

After reading this maybe you are thinking, I've felt that way about myself or my faith. To that, I will say remember Jesus. Remember that no matter your fears he is there walking with you. No matter what storm we are facing Jesus controls all things so do not doubt. You too can do all things through Him who strengthens you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this week. Most of it is random thoughts and opinions but in the end, trusting in God is always the right thing to do. Trusting in Him will give you strength. So with that in mind, I hope you enjoy, share this with everyone you can think of, and until next time...