Recurrence

Good morning everyone and welcome back to StrodeDad. It is a beautiful 21 degrees out which is just awful. I am ready for some fun in the sun. Is anyone else feeling that? Let's pray and we will get started.

Dear Heavenly Father, I come before you today to give thanks. Thank you for blessing me with readers, thank you for blessing me with breath in my lungs today. I have so much to be thankful for and it is all because of you Lord. Please Lord grant me wisdom and give me guidance as I write today. I ask Lord that you open me up to the message you want me to give out today and that you open my readers to that message. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Welcome back, it's been a few weeks since I posted anything. To be completely candid I believe that I have really just been avoiding writing this because it is a difficult subject this week. I don't think emotionally I wanted to tackle this but have been really feeling the urge to write.

Before I dive into that though I wanted to give a brief update on how things are going. Adeline is doing great, she's been sick twice now since her final chemo-therapy treatment. Up-front this was really hard for all of us to overcome. Not only because whatever she had she gave to Nevaeh (our older daughter), but also to my wife. It hit them a lot harder than it hit her but that is probably only due to the fact that she takes antibiotics on the weekends to help prevent her from getting sick.

Another reason it was so hard is that for the last year, we haven't been able to see her get sick. Well, let me start from the beginning. It starts with the fact that really the last time she was just "sick" she ended up getting diagnosed with cancer. So really thank God for the fact that she got that cold otherwise that tumor might have grown much larger. But the point is, the last time she was "sick" we found out this terrible, life-altering news. So already there is a fear there.

I think to myself though, should I be afraid? If I truly trust in God and know that no matter what he has her in his arms should I be afraid? I think the answer is no I shouldn't be but yes as a human being, who isn't perfect, I will most definitely be afraid. I'll be afraid every time she has to go to the doctor for being sick. I hold onto Isaiah 41:10, almost as my personal credo.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10, ESV

Another thing to overcome with this was Adeline's fear which I must say is just plain out heartbreaking. Watching her lash out in anger as we asked her if she wasn't feeling good and forced ourselves, even though we were scared too, tell her that it was alright for her to be scared and that she didn't have to go back to the Children's Hospital. That fear for her must have been ten times harder to overcome than our own.

Once that sickness passed she ended up coming down with a double ear infection right before her remission party. Literally, the night before into the morning of we were at the ER getting her seen for ear pain. 5 long hours for 1 minute with the doctor to look at her ear and tell me what I already knew which was that she had an ear infection. That is so frustrating, isn't it?

So we got her on some amoxicillin and she was just fine. We had her remission party which was pretty awesome if I do say so myself. We had family from Florida came up to see them and attend the party so we hosted them for a few days which was pretty darn cool. It's always really awesome to get to see them and hang out with them.

Following that Adeline had her pre-k screening and was accepted into the program so she has officially started pre-k as of Wednesday. Let me tell you how hard that was. I don't think I realized how hard it would be to let her walk into that building with the teacher alone and walk away from it.

Erika has been dreading it basically since we got her screened. She already knew what I hadn't figured out yet. Of course right, I think that is like the job of wives, they always seem to know before we do. I knew that it would be hard but I kept telling myself, she needs to be there, she is going to have fun, it will give Erika and I time alone, this is the natural progression of things, etc.

But as she walked into that school looking ever so mature with her little backpack on I felt myself welling up with tears and emotions that I wasn't ready for. For her whole life we have been watching over her and she has been home. She's never been to daycare or anything like that. Then she was hit with this cancer diagnosis. So we secluded ourselves from the world as best we could and took care of her, protected her. For the last year, we were her caregivers. Now, now someone I've only met once is watching over her along with 12 other kids.

Don't even get me started on the fear of the other kids. Kids are ruthless, savage, innocent yes, but savage. It's because they have no filter yet on what to say and what not to say. So a big fear for us was Adeline's hair. Would the other kids make fun of her? They better not or Mama and Papa Bear are about to make an unhinged appearance. All joking aside though that's how we have been feeling.

Kids are really great at not seeing those kinds of things when they are little like she is. When they are that young they haven't been filled with the prejudice that somehow seems to fill all of us as we get older. They are still savage with their words but they are more accepting. I wish that as adults we could be as open and accepting as we are when we are 4-5 maybe even 6 years old.

So how did her first day go? As Erika and I walked away crying and praying that she would be ok she was walking in to make new friends. As Erika and I sat crying in the car on the way to Kohl's to return some amazon items, she was in the room dancing and having fun. So for her, it went amazing. For Erika and I it took a little bit of crying to get through it.

Some of you might be thinking, why cry so much? Why does it impact you so much? I hadn't realized that it would make me feel that way as much as it did. But the truth is, not only are we having to let go of her because she is growing up and so that she can grow up but we are having to give up the control we have over her health. Let's face it schools are just big Petri dishes of kid's germs.

But that aside it's just hard to watch someone else step in and be responsible for her. I'd say this is probably how it was for Chris and Nevaeh too. But at the same time, it's a little different because of the situation that we just came off of. Had she not been through what she has been through maybe it would have been a little easier to let go and watch as she went to make new friends and learn in amazing ways. But letting go and now watching her run into the school each day without looking back for her mom or dad is bananas hard.

What an emotional ride this has been and we aren't even to the meat and potatoes of this week's entry. The real hard stuff is yet to come. But before we get to that I want to ask my readers to comment either on the blog itself or on the StrodeDad FaceBook page, what are some of the funniest things that your kids say? I'd love to hear funny stories about the things that your kids say that just shock you into shaking your head.

So now the meat and potatoes of this week's post. This is something that I have been putting off writing about for a couple of reasons. I'm going to lay those out really quick before I dive in. The first reason is that what I am about to talk about is hard. It's hard to think about, it's hard to consider, and it's hard to say out loud. It's scary. I don't want to think or talk about it because it scares me to death. It scares me to my core to think about it and know that I have to think about it.

I had a conversation with someone else who has to think about this. Her journey is along the same time frame as Adeline's but as an adult, she thinks about it. I think that's what makes it even harder, does Adeline think about it? Or does she fall into child-like ignorance in this matter? Another reason I haven't wanted to talk about it is that I feel like I am failing the most important people in my life by dwelling on it, God and Erika.

To be fair I know Erika thinks about it too so I know I am not failing her by doing so when I think through this logically. But illogically I should be the strong one, the one so sure that it will never happen that I make her feel that strength and it helps her make it through thinking about it.

With God it makes me feel as if I have a lack of faith in Him. Will He judge me in the end for being scared in these moments rather than trusting that He has it under control? And maybe it isn't that I don't trust that He has it under control but that I'm just scared, does He allow for that when we shouldn't be afraid when we have faith in Him?

"And he said to them, Why are you afraid, O you of little faith? Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm." (Matthew 8:26, ESV)

I know that I have covered that verse before when talking about fear but as fear is a constant battle when going through cancer or the aftermath of cancer it's worth noting again.

So I bet the whole time you were just reading that little bit of this entry you were like, "He still hasn't said it yet! What is he talking about, what is he so afraid to talk about?!"

Recurrence.

Yes, recurrence. What is that you say? Well for those that don't know recurrence is when cancer comes back. Yes, that is why it is so scary. We hear horror stories all the time about kids, or adults, having a recurrence. Adeline's first set of scans is fastly approaching and it makes me more nervous the closer we get. I know that God has her. I know that He healed her and that His Will was done. I know that if it were to come back it would be because He has a greater plan that calls for it to happen. I know that God's plan is unfathomable and that I will never understand it or be capable of understanding it. But holy moly it really scares me to death.

I look at her and watch her running around playing at home and at church. I watch her run into school and see pictures and videos of her playing at school. She's just now finally getting to see what life is like outside the cancer window. Because honestly, that's what it's like. It's like sitting inside and looking through a window as the rest of life passes on. Everything changes when the diagnosis comes in. It feels like your watching everyone else live life while you're struggling to keep hold of theirs. And in the case of those that have cancer, I'm almost sure it feels the same way but from a personal standpoint of them struggling to keep hold of their own lives.

As March approaches and her first scans come it's hard not to think about what the results will be. I'm probably frustratingly optimistic, I'm sure a lot of times it drives Erika nuts. So for me, I know that she will go in there, rock the appointment, and the scans will come back clean as they ever were. God has this, he's got this under control. So why is that little shard of fear inching its way closer to my heart?

Does everyone remember Ironman? How he had the bomb shards getting closer and closer to his heart and his invention, which essentially was a magnet, keeping the shards from reaching his heart? That's kind of what it feels like. My faith is my magnet.

Jeremiah 29:11 says this, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (ESV)

God knows His plans for us. He knows that no matter how much we struggle and fight in this life He looks forward to the day He can bring us home. That's right, not this house that we call home but our true home in Heaven. So while I'm here worrying about what is to come He is knocking on the door to my soul saying, "I've got this. Please just hand it over to me."

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7, ESV)

I pray about it, I pray about it every day. I know that God hears me. I know that we went through this battle because sometimes we just need rough things in our lives to happen to bring us to him or back to him.

The fear though, the fear makes me ashamed. How can I say I trust God when I am so fearful? I think to be honest I'm mostly ok because I know that He has this. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid.

You know most people, the people who aren't going through cancer themselves, or the people who have never received the diagnosis for their children, hear the word remission and jump for joy. Of course, we did too. But when people hear that word they just assume that it's all over. Meanwhile, we are over here thinking about recurrence. How do you settle that storm? If it does happen how do you not get angry, so angry you want to just scream and yell at God for it?

As most of you know me, my wife, and our great friend Katie have started a non-profit organization called One Ribbon Foundation. We are helping kids and families going through pediatric cancer or child sexual abuse. Both are equally tough areas to help in. We want to help both financially and religiously. We want others to know that it's ok to be angry with God but to not give up on Him for He has a plan.

We know that there will come a time when we have to face the toughest challenge of all when it comes to helping in these scenarios. We know that not every battle against cancer is won and that the hardest part will be when we have to help families through grief after loss. How do you tell someone to trust that God has a plan or to help them realize that their child whom they love with all their heart is no longer struggling but is healed in heaven?

I can tell you as a parent I wouldn't want to hear that after a loss like that. I'd be angry, furious even. So how do we overcome that? Through faith, faith that God will guide us and give us the wisdom to help a family make it through that terrible feeling.

I am learning that through faith in Him all things are possible. Because of that I find strength. Because I know that faith in Him provides, I pray. I talk to Jesus every day and tell Him thank you. I ask him for forgiveness. I ask Him for wisdom. I ask for guidance. I ask for His will to be done here on earth as it is in Heaven. I ask for a lot. But I thank Him for the most important thing, his sacrifice on the cross for my sins.

If you're reading this and thinking to yourself, I know this but it's been a while since I talked to God. Or maybe you are in a place that you just don't know anything about Christ and the sacrifice he made for your sins. No matter what place you are in, if you want to know more, if you want to find your relationship with Him but don't know where to begin please feel free to reach out to me. You can message me on this page, leave a comment for me to email you or message me on Facebook. I'd love to hear from you, I'd love to help you start that journey or maybe just discuss what your journey has looked like so far.

Thank you for taking the time to read today and I hope you find some meaning in my words. I want to ask those of you who have children, grown or not grown, please hop on Facebook and comment on the StrodeDad page about funny things that your kids have said. Kids say the darndest things and we could always use laughter in this life. And if you haven't already please subscribe, I'd love to have you on my mailing list so that you get notified when I post something new and/or follow me on Facebook. Thank you again for joining me and I hope you will continue to join me moving forward.

Until next time...