Intended for Good

Good morning and welcome back to StrodeDad. I want to say thank you to all those people who have subscribed to StrodeDad and thank you to my readers for just taking the few minutes out of their day to read these posts. I look forward to updating everyone to how we are all doing as well as doing a bit of a dive on Joseph in the book of Genesis. Let us pray, and then we can get started.

"Dear Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for the air in my lungs, the food in my belly, and the gift of life you give me each day. Lord I ask that as I write today, you guide my thoughts and the words that I write. Please Lord, guide those that need it to read what I have to write. I praise you in all things, Lord. In Jesus' name, Amen!"

So another couple weeks down, and we are drawing ever closer to the first scans after going into remission. What has it looked like since Adeline went into remission? Well it has been a lot of sickness in the house. The kid's keep coming down with colds, viral infections, one dose of covid, and now more viral stuff. We know that it's because we had been isolated for so long, so their bodies aren't use to being around hundreds of other kids, but it gets to be a bit frustrating.

To be honest, I think Chris has been out of school more than he has been, and I know for sure Adeline has. She got to go to school for three days before being quarantined for fourteen. It's nuts. Every time we think we are in the clear, they end up with snot noses, coughs, congestion, you name it. The stupid crazy weather that the midwest has doesn't help things either. Welcome to winter, no summer, no winter, no spring, no winter. Thanks midwest, for that fun rollercoaster ride.

So you are probably thinking, "you've told us about being sick the last two posts; what else is new?"

Well I talked about what recurrence was and about our fears associated to that. But one thing that I haven't discussed yet is the explosion of emotions we have been getting lately. The closer we get to the scans appointment, the more they seem to gush forth. I'm going to paint a picture really quick of what this looks like.

Imagine finding out that your child had cancer. What kind of emotions would you be feeling in that moment? Fear, sadness, heartbreak, anger, frustration, pure raw hatred for the world? All of these things hit you when you first find out. But at the same time you are going to appointments, going to the doctors, talking about next steps, planning surgery, planning what treatment will look like. All these things happen at once right when you find out. You don't have time to grieve. You might cry when you first find out, maybe a few times after, maybe more than a few times, but you don't have time to process all of it. How could you?

Every step you take is to ensure the life of your child. Every thought and emotion is spent working to ensure the life of your child. Yea, sure, we do this every day; we ensure the life of our children every day. We feed them, provide shelter for them, clothe them, make sure they bathe. But this is something entirely different. You know that if you don't listen to your gut, listen to their doctors, it could literally mean the end of them. How do you process that? Seriously, how can you even fathom that each week could mean blood transfusions, platelets needed, missing chemo because numbers just weren't high enough, etc.

The processing of that doesn't happen all at once. To be quite honest, it hasn't happened yet for me. Sure, writing about it all helps, but in reality Erika and I have been pushing those thoughts, feelings, and emotions down so we could make it through her treatment. Now she is done, so all those things we kept pushing into this tiny little space at the back of our mind or crowding it into our hearts is starting to say enough with this tiny little space. Imagine if you will a volcano. The lava (our thoughts, feelings, and emotions) is starting to build up. It has been building up for the last almost twelve months. The pressure that we were putting on those "things" building up was is now gone. We don't technically need to push it down anymore.

I'll tell you, it's like our bodies know that is the case. Our minds know that the pressure holding it all back is gone. So now, here comes the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. All those things are starting to poor out and weight on us, each in our own way. Erika kept apologizing about a week ago because she was feeling so emotional. I had been feeling emotional, too, but I am good at hiding it. I think anyone who has ever struggled with real depression is good at hiding it, even if they aren't struggling like that anymore. The habit of holding it back, hiding it from the world, is first instinct. But Erika kept apologizing, and I had to tell her, you don't have to apologize for feeling.

You hear that world, "YOU DONT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR FEELING!"

Our minds and hearts are finally catching up to where we are at in this moment. Adeline is in remission. We are still scared to death of recurrence, side-effects, long-term effects. It scares us to death. On top of that, we are experiencing the grief of what we went through, and I say its about darn time we got the chance.

Erika and I each process in our own ways. One of my biggest fears, though, is that because I don't process it, because I don't talk about it, because I don't show it, Erika will feel alone. I never want to make her feel isolated or alone in those or any other feelings she may be experiencing. Or that the kids will start to think that they can't be afraid or sad or angry about all of it. My inability to process those emotions could isolate all of them, and I hate myself for it.

If they are reading this, I want them to know that they are not alone. I want them to know that it's ok to be afraid, sad, or angry about what we went through. I want them to know that I am afraid every day that we will have to live this or some other nightmare again. I am sad on the inside because I am afraid. I am sad that for the last year we had to watch our kids struggle, and not just Adeline but Chris and Nevaeh too. It tears me up inside to know they struggled just as much as we did. It makes me angry to know that Adeline is scared of getting sick again.

It pisses me off on the inside more than I can ever admit to. Sorry for the fruitful language.

I hate that all of these emotions are exploding from the depths of that tiny place I pushed them down into. Every time I hear someone's testimony about getting sick, every time I read an article about children going through what we went through, it makes me sick to my stomach. It not only makes me sick to my stomach but also makes me cry so much. All those darn emotions pushing forth and just coming out like a waterfall from my eyes. Sometimes after I have been really crying hard (and yes, we men cry, we just don't like to admit it), I feel like the darn Niagra Falls. How can so much fluid leave one person?

I was reading a post from another dad whose daughter, who is older, is being treated for cancer. I couldn't imagine what he was going through, even though I had also been through it. But when your kids are a little older than Adeline and going through this same thing, I'd venture to say it's worse. They are at an age where they are old enough to really be making memories with them, and they are making memories with their friends, and because of this horrific monster called cancer they cant. Not to mention the time and attention it takes from the other kids you might have. It's so infuriating. I wish I had more to say to the gentleman. I didn't know his religious preference but told him I'd be praying for him and his family and his daughter's health.

The part that gets me is that, truthfully, that's all I can say. I want them to know that God is with them. God can be their strength. God is their strength.

"My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

(Psalm 73:26)

So how have I been coping with it, you ask? I haven't, bottling it up for future explosion. Part of me feels that way. If I acknowledge it, then it's real. If I acknowledge it, then I don't know how to process it. How do you grieve and feel all those emotions at one time. I personally don't know how to do it. But I know one person who does, God. Bet you saw that coming, didn't you?

God takes it; He understands it. Why don't we turn to God? Because we are afraid. We are afraid He wont answer, we are afraid we wont like His answer, we are afraid that despite giving it to Him, the emotions and fears will still be there. So what's the point? What's the point of giving it to Him? Well I'll tell you what the point is. You may not think it helps, and maybe in that exact moment it doesn't. But the more you hand over to God, the lighter your burden, your fear, your loss becomes. Gradually you start to feel that weight lifted. It's like sharing with your best friend the problems you are having. The difference is that God is patient, and he loves to listen to us, even when we whine.

People say to go talk to someone about it. Maybe we should. Maybe that's what we should do. But in the mean time I think I'll keep sharing it with God. I'll keep telling him that I am angry that it happened to Adeline. I'll keep telling him I'm angry that it happened to Chris and Nevaeh. I'll keep telling him that I'm angry that it happened to Erika. "Lord, I'm Angry; please take this from me."

I'll share with him that I'm scared. I'll share with Him that I worry every day that the cancer will come back or that she will have to live through some other long term side effect. I will tell Him that I fear for Erika and the kids and how they handle all of this raw emotion. "Lord, I'm Scared; please take this from me."

I'll tell him that I'm sad. I'm sad because it happened, I'm sad that we have to live in this fear, and I'm sad because I don't know how to move on. "Lord, I'm Sad; please take this from me."

I will tell Him all these things. I will share all these things with Him. And once I am done, I will have one more thing to tell Him.

"Lord, I love you. Thank you for allowing me to get through this trying time. Thank you Lord, for my children's health and my wife's love. Lord though I am Angry, though I am Scared, though I am Sad, I praise you. Without your love, grace, and patience, I wouldn't be here today. I see all that you provided me with, all that you continue to provide me with. Lord, without this turmoil, me, my wife and children wouldn't be worshipping you the way we are right now. You have sparked a change in all our lives, and for that, Lord, I am eternally grateful. Thank you, Lord, for loving us the way that you do. Thank you, Lord, for your patience and thank you, Lord, for all that you do."

So I move on. I told you I would talk a bit about the story of Joseph from the book of Genesis. So you are probably wondering, why that story? Why are you sharing about Joseph? Well, to be upfront, I did just finish reading about Joseph recently. That's part of it. But finishing reading that portion of Genesis was a big deal for me. I had never read all the way through Genesis, and while I had heard of the story of Joseph, I had never actually read or understood it all. So I'm going to give a brief explanation of Joseph and then get into why I felt it pertinent to include in this week's post.

Joseph was the favored son of Jacob. Because he was favored by their father, his brothers resented him. Joseph ends up having two dreams, each representing that his brothers would bow down and serve him. The second dream actually included his father and mother bowing down to serve him.

"5 Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him all the more. 6 He said to them, “Listen to this dream I had: 7 We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it.”

8 His brothers said to him, “Do you intend to reign over us? Will you actually rule us?” And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said.

9 Then he had another dream, and he told it to his brothers. “Listen,” he said, “I had another dream, and this time the sun and moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me.”

10 When he told his father as well as his brothers, his father rebuked him and said, “What is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow down to the ground before you?” 11 His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind."

(Genesis 37:5-11, NIV)

Imagine that for a moment. Your sibling or your child coming to you and telling you about this dream where it essentially meant that they would rule over you. Reading through the Old Testament, it was much more common for dreams to be interpreted in a prophetic manner. But at that time, that was how God chose to communicate with people, typically through dreams.

But imagine that this happened. How would that make you feel. Not great, probably even frustrated at the fact that they would dare think they could rule over you. Even Jacob, at this point, made mention to that fact. So then, after that we see that the brothers take their flock to a different town to herd, and meanwhile, Joseph is at home with his father. Shortly after this, Jacob says to Joseph, are your brothers not out tending the flock? I will send you to them.

David Guzik points out in his Enduring Word Bible Commentary that when Jacob sends Joseph, it isn't to help them work; it is to manage them. He is sending Joseph almost as if he is their boss, going to check in on them and ensure they are doing what they were supposed to be doing.. This is another reason that the brothers resent Joseph.

"18 But they saw him in the distance, and before he reached them, they plotted to kill him.

19 “Here comes that dreamer!” they said to each other. 20 “Come now, let’s kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we’ll see what comes of his dreams.”

21 When Reuben heard this, he tried to rescue him from their hands. “Let’s not take his life,” he said. 22 “Don’t shed any blood. Throw him into this cistern here in the wilderness, but don’t lay a hand on him.” Reuben said this to rescue him from them and take him back to his father.

23 So when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe—the ornate robe he was wearing— 24 and they took him and threw him into the cistern. The cistern was empty; there was no water in it."

(Genesis 37:18-24, NIV)

His brothers literally saw him and said, we should kill him. Reuben was the only one with a little love for his brother, since he would have rescued him following. Following that, his brothers, with the exception of Reuben, pulled him out of the cistern and sold him to traders or slavers, if you will. Then following, the slavers took him and sold him to an officer of the Pharoah in Egypt. For years Joseph spent time as a slave in Egypt. Think of the turmoil that he must have felt. God continued to watch over him, and all things continued to go well for Joseph (as well as being a slave can be, I suppose), but when he was first being sold, he must have at some point been looking up and asking why. Why, Lord, would you let this happen to me?

But because of his faith in God he was later recommended to the Pharoah to interpret a dream. Because of his faith in God and because he interpreted this dream for the Pharoah, he found himself second to only the Pharaoh in Egypt during a time of great wealth and during years of great famine in which he helped to save many lives in the area. It was his interpretation that led to them keeping food set aside from the good years to feed the hungry in the famine years.

During this time, Jacob sends his sons to Egypt to buy food. Without realizing it, they buy food from Joseph. He later has them all come back, and then he kind of messes with them. I mean, lets face it we would mess with our siblings if we suddenly found ourselves in a place of power over them and they had previously plotted to kill us.

Anyways Joseph asks the Pharoah to give him land for his father and his family, and he does. So Jacob packs up and comes to Egypt to see his son, who he had thought all these many years as dead. After Jacob passes away, Joseph's brothers fear for their life; what if he wants revenge for what we did? So they go to Joseph and ask for forgiveness. Josephs response was amazing.

"19 But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God?20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.21 So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them."

(Genesis 50:19-21, NIV)

Joseph didn't respond in pain, anger, or hurt. He said, "you meant evil against me, but God intended it for good" what a powerful statement.

Now clearly, I skipped over a lot or really glanced over it would be the better word. If I really broke this down, it would probably be a two, maybe three, day lesson. I had to condense it quite a bit to get to the point.

The point is this; Joseph had it rough. Maybe not at first because he was his Dad's favorite, but otherwise, the guy had it rough. His brothers wanted to kill him, he was sold into slavery, he got in trouble with his "master" because the dude's wife tried to sleep with him, and when he wouldn't, she tried to get him into trouble. He spent years in a jail after that, ended up helping someone from the Pharoahs court that forgot to mention him to the Pharoah for another two years.

Joseph had it rough; bad things happened to him over and over. In the end all he could say was that the bad things, the evil that was meant for him, God intended for good. He used the negative in Joseph's life for good.

What's this have to do with me, you ask? Well I look at what I'm doing with StrodeDad. I wouldn't be writing like this if it hadn't been for the hurt we experienced when we received Adeline's diagnosis. I look at our non-profit organization, One Ribbon Foundation, and see the good that we are doing. We are small, but our love for God is strong, and He is moving mountains for us. One Ribbon Foundation wouldn't exist if we didn't spend nearly a year in turmoil. And that time frame is super short in comparison to the years that Joseph spent in turmoil.

I look at my love for God. Oh how it's grown in the last year. I see Him in all the things that I do. God is so good. I'm hurting, angry, sad, scared; you name it, I'm feeling it. But God is using that. He is using that turmoil inside me, and he means it for good. So no matter the trial, no matter the pain, no matter the turmoil you might be facing, please remember that God means it for good. You just have to turn to him to see it.

Thank you, God for your blessings; thank you, God for using my hurt and my turmoil for good. I love you Lord.

Thank you, everyone for joining me this week. I hope it was as revealing for you to read as it was for me to write. Have a blessed week, and until next time...